As a kid, I considered crying to be a sign of weakness so feelings of hurt, abandonment, disappointment, betrayal – everything got locked up in a dinky, dark corner of my mind where no one could ever reach them.
What I didn’t realise was that all of it was working its way into my life by influencing my choices and actions in subtle, little ways. It especially impacted my relationship with my mother. My mother was always very busy so, I often felt neglected and ignored. Little problems would balloon up into worse issues, all of them without me ever saying anything to her.
I wouldn’t express myself because I was always afraid of breaking down and crying in front of her. As an adult, I became resentful and worse, I had little to no awareness of it. I would care for her, but all of it with a feeling of certainty that while I loved, I was not loved in return.
One day I snapped, and it all came pouring out in one pathetic, sad little torrent of jumbled words. It was the best thing that could’ve ever happened. I was like a confused child begging for understanding when it had been there all along.
My mother had been aware of something going on with me, but she was afraid of broaching the issue and unwittingly, pushing me away. There was so much misunderstanding to work through, and we did work through it.
Out of all that madness came an unshakeable bond. Having her in my corner and more importantly, KNOWING that she is in my corner has completely changed me.
I am so much more confident because I know she has my back. Perhaps some of you can relate to what I’ve shared to some extent. Despite its overwhelming importance, communication in relationships is given very little importance. Even if we feel like we want to speak up, we don’t really know where to start and the more we think about it, the more unsure we become.
Then it just seems easier not to do or say anything, until the next time and the whole thing starts again. We either end up becoming victims of our own doubts and fears or we completely break things off and walk away just to avoid a tough conversation.